Saturday, January 31, 2009

Ice, Ice, Baby

While lunatic Al Gore was testifying(boy, that's really stretching the definition of testifying!) before Congress about the imminent end of mankind due to global warming, I slipped on the imaginary 2-inch thick ice, and nearly busted my ass!

Oh, speaking of asses, I hope when the Kanamit said in his inaugural address to the fawning masses that he intended to restore science to its rightful place he was talking about having Al Gore frozen and shot into space!

Because I think science can do that.

Stimulus Or Stealing

Americans are finally tightening their financial belts and not spending like drunken sailors on an extended shore leave any longer.

So, in swoops the Kanamit and starts spending our money for us...against our will.

Wellm we'll eventually have to pay for this spending(of our money...against our will)...and we'll owe interest on it!

Am I the only one who sees the crime in this?

Dear Mahmoud

My buddy(he's a real paranoid, right-wing gun-nut) and I have both been of the opinion that diplomacy, now matter how aggressive, would be construed(correctly) as a sign of weakness in the eyes of America's enemies.

Well, we're apparently smarter than the average Kanamit.

After the Kanamit wrote some sort of love letter to Iranian crazy man Mahmound Amadinejad, he received this response:

US President Barack Obama's offer to talk to Iran shows that America's policy of "domination" has failed, the government spokesman said on Saturday.
"This request means Western ideology has become passive, that capitalist thought and the system of domination have failed," Gholam Hossein Elham was quoted as saying by the Mehr news agency.
"Negotiation is secondary, the main issue is that there is no way but for (the United States) to change," he added.

What a shock.
What a complete and utter shock.

Not to me or my buddy, mind you.
No, we're not shocked at all.

But hey, good luck with that aggressive diplomacy.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Pay Attention, Senators!

All House Republicans voted against the Kanamit's plan to steal the free market and replace it with socialism.

It's a start.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Loyal Opposition?

When you're the opposition party, and you call yourselves the loyal opposition, it would be a good idea if you...wait for it...ACTUALLY OPPOSED SOMETHING!

The following idiots can't seem to get their heads wrapped around this idea, as they voted to have a tax cheat head up the...wait for it...IRS!:

Corker (R-TN)Cornyn (R-TX)Crapo (R-ID)Ensign (R-NV)Graham (R-SC)Gregg (R-NH)Hatch (R-UT)Shelby (R-AL)Snowe (R-ME)Voinovich (R-OH)

Power To The People: Or, Gingrey Revisited-Already!

Georgia Republian Representative Phil Gingrey, has, already, after receiving a raft of calls and emails, clarified his position on Rush Limbaugh.

He likes him!

Power to the people.

The Kanamit's Middle East To-Do List

The Kanamit has a lot on his plate!

In effort to bring rhyming peace to the Middle East, The Kanamit said he and his envoys would listen first.

Well, here's what he heard.

The Taliban informed him that peace will come only when he reverses the "Satanic policies" of George W Bush.
Oh, and they also want him to close all the "evil" detention camps, "completely withdraw" from Iraq and Afghanistan, and "stop defending Israel."

Now, that's a lot to do.
But we're not done yet.

Iranian yahoo Mahmoud Amadinejad, not to be outdone in the Outrageous Demand Department, told the Kanamit that he would have to "apologize for past crimes against Tehran", and said that "Change means giving up support for the rootless, uncivilized, fabricated, murdering Zionists."

Then, to dispel any notion that rationality might be creeping into the Iranian leadership, they said the "Holocaust was a big lie."

Now, some of you doubt the Kanamit can get all this done.

But I have faith in the tireless exertions of The Kanamit.

What I can't wait for is The Kanamit telling us this represents an unclenching of the fist.

Another Republican Who Doesn't Get It

Georgia Representative, Republican Phil Gingrey, has urged Rush Limbaugh to back off his criticisms of Republican leadership, specifically Mitch McConnell and John Boehner.

Let's be clear: We now have a socialist president because Republicans abidicated their responsiblity to defend small and limited government and the free market.
And they can't be trusted to do so in the future.

Free Marketers must not only not mute their criticisms, but, indeed, Pump Up The Volume!

Their is no other option.
Not one!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Damon, Matt Damon

It bothers me less that foreign policy expert Matt Damon called Bill Kristol an idiot than it does that he referred to James Bond as an "imperialist, misogynist sociopath who goes around bedding women, swilling martinis and killing people."

Damn right he does!
And that's why we love him.

Also, just to clue Mr Damon in: James Bond is a fictional character, you know, like Popeye, or Mork from Ork.

Monday, January 26, 2009

The Kanamit Will See You Now

I told you the Kanamit would be tireless in his exertions.

It was announced today the Kanamit will hold direct talks with Iran...with no preconditions.

Ladies and gentleman, I give you peace in the Middle East.

Headline-Fed May Gain More Financial Oversight

Oh, that's reassuring.
The very entity that created the mess in which we now find ourselves will be empowered to...wait for it..ensure that it doesn't happen again.

That's almost like putting a guy who doesn't pay his taxes in charge of the IRS. Oh, wait...

I have a better idea.
How 'bout we abolish The Fed!

John McCain: Being His Typical Conservative Self

Presidential loser John McCain says he won't vote for the victor's stimulus package.

Well, now he's just being an obstructionist.

Seem he doesn't think it would do enough to put people back to work.
"We're losing sight of what the stimulus is all about, and this is job creation."

It is?
That's news to me.

Give This Man A Nail!

Deroy "The Hammer" Murdock gets it right again.

I swear, if I were black, and, you know, smart, I would be Deroy Murdock.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

And So It Begins

The Kanamit speaks.
Get ready to be gobbled up.

The Kanamit has been a busy alien in his first week ruling planet Earth.

He told a reporter to shut his stinkin' mouth for having the audacity to actually...act like a reporter.
His sin?
Asking the Kanamit a question.
Bet he doesn't make that mistake again!

Then it was off to Congress for the Kanamit, where he told sucker Republicans to shut their stinkin' mouths over their stimulus ideas.
"I won," he explained.

But it wasn't like the Kanamit didn't have some friendly advice for the sucker Republicans.
He told them to stop listening to Rush Limbaugh.
Can't wait till that prime directive gets codified!

The Kanamit had already announced the closing of Gitmo, and ended a ban on supplying money to international abortion groups.

Seem like a lot?
Don't worry, the Kanamit is tireless.

The question: Where are the idiot conservatives who were confused as to how the Kanamit would govern?

Or maybe I'm just missing the bi-partisanship and pragmatism in all this.

Friday, January 23, 2009

To Serve Man

The Kanamit has arrived.

And this time it has a name...Barack Obama.

Who are the Kanamits?
Remember that Twilight Zone episode, To Serve Man?
Oh, it was a classic.
(And so, by the way, was the Simpons' spoof of it.)

Well, the Kanamits were these tall, big-headed aliens.
Yeah, just like Barack Obama.

They landed in New Jersey, and somehow made their way to the United Nations.
They assured those assembled "Our intentions are honorable. We desire above all things to help the people of Earth.
"It has come to our attention that Earth has been plagued by both natural and unnatural catastrophes, all of which could easily be acted upon and prevented. We are here to help you.
We will not force anything upon you.
"There is nothing ulterior to our motives. Nothing at all.
"We ask only that you trust us. Only that us!"

But the Kanamit had unknowingly dropped a book, and the earthlings worked diligently to decipher it.
Finally, they had the title, "To Serve Man."

Their fears abated.

Soon they were lining up to accompany the Kanamits back to their planet.

And too late, after more deciphering, it was discovered that the book was a...cookbook!

This is how the socialists will gobble up the free-marketers.

Just like Rod Serling said it would happen!

Hollywood Theology

Susan Sarandon, appearing at some function I could not care less about said Barack Obama "is a community organizer like Jesus was. And now we're a community, so he can organize us."

This is the dumbest thing I've read this year.

And it's hard to top Kathleen Parker!
But it's still early yet.

Bipartisanship? Bah!

Republicans-otherwise known as the Sucker Party-complained today that Democrats had shut them out of the process of writing the $850 billion stimulus package.

"Yes, we wrote the bill. Yes, we won the election," explained hateful old shrew Nancy Pelosi.

Compromise and complicity get you nowhere.

John McCain is today's object lesson.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Headline-Clinically Depressed Poodle Mauls Jacques Chirac

Oh, mercy!
Everything I read about the French makes me laugh.

Headline-Caroline Kennedy Calls It Quits, Cites Personal Reasons

Yeah, okay, I'll accept "only semi-intelligent" as a personal reason.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Christopher Buckley Will Have To Get Yet Another Job

Mr Buckley, swooning like a love-struck school girl, says of the new president, "What fine hands we seem to be in. God bless America. This is going to be tough to turn into satire."

But not for a satirist.

Dude, Where's My Prosperity?

I don't want to seem like a complainer, but Obama has been president for a whole day, and my life hasn't changed all that much for the better.

I mean, make with the prosperity, already!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Headline-Democratic Senators Kennedy And Byrd Collapse

Imagine my dilemma!

But I'm gonna take the high road.

After all, my mama taught me: If you can't say something even remotely uncruel, then don't say anything at all.

Headline-Roberts Flubs Oath For Obama

Yeah, and I'll bet it's not the last time Chief Justice John Roberts messes up The Charmer's perfect plan.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Hero Worship Makes Oprah Winfrey Stupid

Said Winfrey, "I feel like I am better because of his being elected."

Too bad she doesn't feel thinner because of his being elected.

Or smarter.

Headline-Plauge Sweeps Through Al Qaeda Terror Camp, Killing 40

Eh, I've heard worse news.

The inauguration tomorrow, for instance.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Is Barack Obama Vested In Failure?

Let's entertain some right-wing paranoia, shall we?

This requires a mere 3 assumptions:
1. Barack Obama is a socialist. (He is.)
2. Most Americans are ignorant when it comes to the subject of economics. (They are.)
3. FDR's policies deepened and prolonged the Great Depression. (They did.)

Now, because FDR was a master salesman (of himself), he was able to implement socialist policy after communist policy, all the while convincing Americans that what he was doing was relieving the situation and not exacerbating it.

This made him him so wildly popular that a myth of him as savior grew up around him, and, in some quarters, persists to this day.

Barack Obama(perhaps a better salesman of himself than FDR), being the intelligent guy that he is, surely knows all this.

Which is why he chosen to imitate FDR.

I now return you to the hero worship.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

How Will Obama Govern?

There seems to be some doubt as to how Barack Obama will govern this great country once he takes the oath of office.

Some say he's a blank slate, so there's no way to know for sure given his thin resume.

Some says he's likely to be a pragmatist, governing from the left, right and center.

Then he takes George Will, David Brooks and Bill Kristol on a date, and his purpose causes more confusion.

So, allow me to set you straight.

Barack Obama will govern from the left.
Because he's a leftist.

More than that, he's a Kook-Aid drinking true himself.
And he's a socialist.
A real socialist. The kind who believes in socialism.

To put it so even the stupid can understand it: Barack Obama will do the opposite of what those on the right would do...on every issue, social and fiscal.

Free people and free markets create wealth and prosperity and the atmosphere most conducive for prosperity to be perpetuated.

Barack Obama does not believe in free people and free markets.

We will be worse off 4 years from now, because we will be changed.

I am not, nor will I be, fooled.
Not now, not at any point along the way.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Deroy Murdock-The Hammer!

I'm giving Deroy Murdock the nickname "The Hammer", because he always hits the nail right on the head.

His latest example.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Kathleen Parker: Even Dumber In 2009

Well, it's obvious that Kathleen Parker didn't ask Santa for a brain for Christmas, because she's back and dumber than ever...if that's is.

Feeling it's no longer sufficient merely to be an idiot who writes idiotic things, Ms Parker has now taken it upon herself to start promoting and defending other idiots who write idiotic things.
It's a niche job, I guess.

Seems she's read a book and wants to tell us all about it.
Said book, The Tyranny Of Dead Ideas, was written by some small time communist by the name of Matt Miller.
Hence the cute title of her piece, Is It Miller Time?
Get it?
Yeah, me too.

Anyway, Ms Parker thinks Mr Miller is an original thinker and a pretty smart guy who has some interesting ideas.
She thinks he's gonna make the rest of us think.
He isn't.

So, who is he?
Well, according to Ms Parker, Mr Miller is a "Democrat and former economic aide in the Office of Management and Budget under Bill Clinton."
Oh, Lord! (How's that for and oogedy-boogedy moment?)

Ms Parker says Mr Miller gives her a headache.
Yeah, I know the feeling.

But let's get to the meat of this nonsense, already.

Ms Parker gets us started by posing as someone who is actually smart when she proposes a "paradoxical thought": We have to increase taxes and federal programs to save the capitalist system."

It's hard to believe that Ms Parker really believes this is really an original thought of Mr Miller's.
It's just the same old socialism.
When you replace freedom with government control, that's socialism.
She didn't know this before reading Mr Miller's book?
I'd be embarrassed for her if I didn't detest her so much.

But she can't blame the following statement on Mr Miller, it's her very own stupidity, "The world has changed in significant ways and our old formulas simply no longer work. We once thought, for instance, that financial markets can regulate themselves. Whup. The disasters of 2008 proved that assumption false. If only we had noticed it sooner. Did dead ideas block our vision?"

This may be the dumbest thing I read all year. But there's always the possibility that George W Bush will again try to explain why he burned the free market village in order to save it.

To set her straight: the disasters of 2008 weren't caused by unregulated financial markets. They were caused by Alan Greenspan of the Federal Reserve, by the Community Reinvestment Act, by Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, and by a stupid, negligent Congress.

She also agrees with Mr Miller that free trade hurts some Americans, and that the poor can't be educated without financing from the federal government.
Free trade enriches everybody...everybody!
And for the record, I didn't know children were educated with money; I thought it was done with books and teachers. How much can that cost?!

Ms Parker ends this bout of idiocy with one last bit of idiocy when she states, "deregulation of our financial system literally has broken the bank."
What deregulation?
She doesn't say.
They never do.

Most idiotic of all: Ms Parker thinks Mr Miller's book may get traction in the near future.
It's almost as if this is her first encounter with a socialist thought.
It's just the same old, some old.
Nothing new to see here. Unless you're Kathleen Parker. Or an idiot. And if you're Kathleen Parker, there is no distinction between the two.

Hillary Clinton Is Full Of Hot Air

I'd like to be generous and call Ms Clinton merely a doofus, but that would disingenuous on my part because I know she's a shameless liar.

Testifying at her confirmation hearing for Secretary of State, Ms Clinton had the following to say about the scam called Global Warming, "At the extreme it threatens our very existence. Bu well before that point, it could well incite new wars of an old kind over basic resources-like food, water and arable land."

This is a lie, propaganda. Nothing else.

John Kerry is a liar too, saying at the same hearing, "Many today do not see global climate change as a national security threat, but it is-profoundly so."

Here's hoping Vaclav Klaus pops both of these lying propagandists right the mouth.

Headline-Iranians Burn Picture Of Obama

Guess they can't wait till he's actually president.

Mr Obama will learn that you have to get up pretty early in the morning to avoid the Islamohate.

Hey, time for a charm offensive!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

George W Bush Is No Warren Harding

I have decided that after the abject socialist disaster that George W Bush has become, what this country, conservatives and the Republican Party need is a good dose of Barack Obama!

I have had it with his "chucking aside my free market principles."

We need a hard lesson, and we're about to get it.

Hang on!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Americans Want Nationalized Healthcare

I have learned from our town newspaper that the Barack Obama Healthcare Transition Team is soliciting suggestions from communities across America for what will, I presume, become his healthcare plan.

The report given to these communities reads, in part, "Healthcare insurance premiums have double in the past eight years, accompanied by increasing co-pays and deductibles that threaten access to care. In addition, large medical bills have contributed to half of bankruptcies and foreclosures and that rising health care costs place a burden on American businesses, which pay twice as much on health benefits as most of their foreign competitors," continues, "nearly 160 million Americans have job-based insurance, but many are just a pink slip away from joining the ranks of the uninsured. For every one percentage point increase in the unemployment rate, over one million people become uninsured."

So, what do blue-state Nutmeggers conclude from this?
That health care "is a right, not a privilege."

And there ya have it. Nationalized Healthcare.
Because you asked for it.

Carol Browner Is A Big Fat Socialist

And if you don't believe it, then here is the evidence:

1. Her name and biography have recently been expunged from the website of Socialist International.

2. She once worked for Al Gore.

This woman is Barack Obama's pick form Global Warming Greenhouse Gas Czar, or some such nonsense.

When Mr Obama begins implementing his socialist policies, only the idiots will be surprised.

Headline-Joe Biden In Iraq

This guy will do anything to get noticed at a screening of The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Consumption-Sumption, What's Your Function?

Unsurprisingly, Barack Obama has announced, savior & genius that he is, that America will....wait for it...spend its way back to prosperity!


That's right, spend its way back to prosperity, but with a twist.

You and I won't have to actually do the heavy lifting of actually buying things and paying for stuff.
Thank goodness!
No, the government will do it for us.
More wisely, more efficiently.

First, let's forget that there is no financial crisis:
Outstanding commercial credit continues to grow.
Unemployment is at 7.2%. Given that 5% of the population always refuses to work because they're a bunch of shiftless leeches on society, we can easily deduce that the real unemployment figure is 2.2%. Here's how we account for that increase: A lot of unworthy borrowers were given money by profligate banks to buy houses they had no intention of ever paying for. So, when they didn't pay for these houses, investment banks went belly up, and housing construction slowed. People were thrown out of work. Additionally, people who bought way too much stuff on credit, finally, wisely, decided to cut back on there retail spending. Throwing a few more people out of work. And lastly, people stopped buying a new car, that they couldn't afford every six months, throwing a few more people out of work.
Big deal.
Given time, this situation would self-correct, as the people, in their collective wisdom, have decided that the present best course of action is to hold off on spending so much.

Barack Obama, like all liberals, Democrats, socialists and communists, believes that he is smarter than the "collective wisdom."

So, because we refuse to spend, he is going to take, or borrow, a bunch of money and spend it for us.

Probably on stuff we never would have bought.

And we'll all be better off for it.

Like hell.

We tried this once before and we didn't get prosperity; We go the Great Depression.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Headline-Joe Biden Goes Unnoticed At Movies

What a shock.

Joe Biden will also go unnoticed at cabinet meetings, press conferences, White House dinners, etc.

Poor fellow.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Headline-French Warship Captures 19 Somali Pirates

Sure it makes you giggle.

But if you're French, your bursting with national pride right about now.

But I'm not I'm giggling.

Your Moment Of Oogedy-Boogedy

Somebody, wake up Kathleen Parker!
(And slap her around.)

Seems the Democrats, or at least one them, has a bad case of the oogedy-boogedy.

"We are hoping and praying that they will not be able to deny what the Lord has ordained," Burris said.
That would be Roland Burris.
And he would be referring to his appointment to the U.S. Senate by criminal Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.

Yeah, and it's conservative Republicans who have a God problem.

Gimme a break.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

The Road To Socialism Will Be Paved With Nice Sounding Programs

"The American Recovery And Reinvestment Plan."
This is what Obama is calling his plan to "create" jobs.
Sounds good, yes?

Oh, they'll all sound good, all the plans and initiatives and legislation.

They will sound good in the "How can anybody oppose this idea" way.
(Obama will be a mesmerist to the uneducated.)
And they won't work.
They never have.

And when it's all said and done we will, as Charles Krauthammer said, "...have a new social compact."

I Left (Nothing In) San Francisco

I've never been to California.
And, other than visiting the San Diego Zoo, I have no interest in going there.

I have even less interest in the aggressively stupid city of San Francisco.

So, if they want to impose a "congestion fee" for entering certain parts of their city, then more power to them.

I only hope that sensible people will finally see the light and leave that socialist city.
By mass transit, of course.

My Love Affair With Nicolas Sarkozy Has Ended. My Love Affair With Vaclav Klaus Has Begun!

I don't have many theories, and the ones I do have have are normally shallow, not very well considered, and intellectually insupportable, but they can usually be summed up in a single sentence.

One such theory of mine is: Western Europe's last best hope will be Eastern Europe.
(Notice how concise it is?)

So, when the "conservative" Nicloas Sarkozy(his father was Hungarian) defeated the "communist" Segolene Royal to become president of France, I felt vindication of my theory had begun.

After all, he had promised to make all those cheese-eaters work 40 hours a week, and he was "pro-American."
Well, at least, he pretended not to be rabidly anti-American.

There was cause for hope.

But not really.

Recently, Sarkozy has bashed "laissez-faire" economics, cowed to the Russian threat of missile installation, and condemned the Israelis for defending themselves.
He's done all of this as leader of European Union.


Well, his time is up, and Czech president Vaclav Klaus' has begun.
And not a moment too soon.

Klaus' resume: his father had him read Alexander Solzhenitsyn to learn about Communism's oppressiveness; he was reported to have kept a picture of Margaret Thatcher above his desk; he is a free marketer in the mold of Milton Friedman; he is quoted as saying, "I really sense the huge problems of democracy disappearing in Europe"; and, best of all, he has labeled Al Gore an "apostle of arrogance."

That's good enough for me.
And, hopefully, good enough for Europe.

But, at any rate, it's better than Sarkozy.


Thursday, January 1, 2009

Voting Present

Strangely silent on the Israel/Gaza flare-up has been the President-Elect, Mr Obama.
How strange.
A few weeks ago you couldn't swing a defeated Republican without hitting an Obama press conference.
A lot of sound and fury amounting to a lot of roads and bridges.

But nothing now, not a peep.

Because Mr Obama knows that some problems will not solved by his charm.

So, once again, he votes present.